Why can't I be tall and skinny? Why do I have really bad acne? Why can't I have cute, new clothes? Why can't I go get my nails done or my hair done? Why can't I find a job that I am good at or that pays well? Why do I have a hormonal imbalance? Why can't I have a baby? Why can't I have a house with a backyard for my dogs to run? Why am I stuck in this muddy pit and why can't I get myself out of it?
Today, I found myself in the pit of feeling sorry for myself. My thoughts are drowning in these questions and my heart feels cold and empty. I wish I could be someone else. I want the money to do all these things and to make me look pretty. I want a certain lifestyle that I cannot get without money. I want a baby and I want it like yesterday. I want a perfectly healthy body and a perfectly full wallet.
1 Timothy 6:10
New Living Translation (©2007)
"For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. And some people, craving money, have wandered from the true faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows."
The Holy Spirit just brought this verse to my attention as I am reading what I've written. I can see that wanting money has caused all these sorrows. All this grief. My aching heart is caused by a love for money and what money can provide for ME.
This is my inner core. This is who I am underneath the makeup, smile and Facebook appearance...and this will be a hard blog to post. *sigh*
I will post this because I feel that transparency is very important in our culture. Because we hide behind things and don't want anyone to know that we do not have it all together. Yet, we don't. None of us do, whether we look like it or not.
Saying all of this, let's get to the good stuff God has shown me and would like me to share with you.
With all these questions in my head I found it helped to write them out and see exactly what I was feeling horrible about in black and white. I went back and read through it and used the purple ink to point out the exact things that I wish I could change. I also went back through and made all the I's a larger font. Now I can see very clearly how selfish I am being. How my heart is not a thankful heart. How I've allowed finances to run my emotions and affect my life. How I am so focused on myself that I don't have time to serve others except for on Sunday mornings.
Now that I have it all straightened out in my head, I feel horrible for allowing myself to become this focused on things that don't really matter and I realize that this is not from my Father in Heaven. I'm sorry to my Father in heaven for allowing money and myself to come in between us. The time has come to repent of these things...
What does repent mean?
re·pent [ri-pent]
verb (used without object)
1. to feel sorry, self-reproachful, or contrite for past conduct; regret or be conscience-stricken about a past action, attitude, etc. (often followed by of ): He repented after his thoughtless act.
2. to feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one's life for the better; be penitent.
verb (used with object)
3. to remember or regard with self-reproach or contrition: to repent one's injustice to another.
4. to feel sorry for; regret: to repent an imprudent act.
(Thank you Dictionary.com)
I have decided from this moment on to change. I will let go of the control panel and let God direct my life. I'm ashamed of what I let myself think and feel and now I'm asking for God's forgiveness.
What does it mean to forgive?
for·give [fer-giv] for·gave, for·giv·en, for·giv·ing.
verb (used with object)
1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.
5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9 )
“Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord.” (Acts 3:19 )
“Come now and let us reason together,” says the Lord, “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow.” (Isaiah 1:18 )
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, behold, all things have become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17 )
These verses show how when we repent (we are truly sorry, ask forgiveness and turn away from the sin), He forgives us and gives us a clean slate. A fresh start. A new beginning.
"He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west." (Psalm 103:12)
It's taking me a couple days to actually finish this blog post, but I feel good about it all. Here I am two days later and the Holy Spirit is constantly reminding me that I am beautiful. That God made me different than anyone else on the planet. That if there was no negatives than there would be no positives. That He has a plan for my life and He knows what my future holds and I do not. Therefore, I will be obedient and follow what He commands me to do. I will continually lift my eyes to heaven and ask for His guidance. I will pray before moving. I will inquire of the Lord before I do anything.
Today, I found myself in the pit of feeling sorry for myself. My thoughts are drowning in these questions and my heart feels cold and empty. I wish I could be someone else. I want the money to do all these things and to make me look pretty. I want a certain lifestyle that I cannot get without money. I want a baby and I want it like yesterday. I want a perfectly healthy body and a perfectly full wallet.
Wow. It certainly all boils down to me and money.
1 Timothy 6:10
New Living Translation (©2007)
"For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. And some people, craving money, have wandered from the true faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows."
The Holy Spirit just brought this verse to my attention as I am reading what I've written. I can see that wanting money has caused all these sorrows. All this grief. My aching heart is caused by a love for money and what money can provide for ME.
This is my inner core. This is who I am underneath the makeup, smile and Facebook appearance...and this will be a hard blog to post. *sigh*
I will post this because I feel that transparency is very important in our culture. Because we hide behind things and don't want anyone to know that we do not have it all together. Yet, we don't. None of us do, whether we look like it or not.
Saying all of this, let's get to the good stuff God has shown me and would like me to share with you.
With all these questions in my head I found it helped to write them out and see exactly what I was feeling horrible about in black and white. I went back and read through it and used the purple ink to point out the exact things that I wish I could change. I also went back through and made all the I's a larger font. Now I can see very clearly how selfish I am being. How my heart is not a thankful heart. How I've allowed finances to run my emotions and affect my life. How I am so focused on myself that I don't have time to serve others except for on Sunday mornings.
Now that I have it all straightened out in my head, I feel horrible for allowing myself to become this focused on things that don't really matter and I realize that this is not from my Father in Heaven. I'm sorry to my Father in heaven for allowing money and myself to come in between us. The time has come to repent of these things...
What does repent mean?
re·pent [ri-pent]
verb (used without object)
1. to feel sorry, self-reproachful, or contrite for past conduct; regret or be conscience-stricken about a past action, attitude, etc. (often followed by of ): He repented after his thoughtless act.
2. to feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one's life for the better; be penitent.
verb (used with object)
3. to remember or regard with self-reproach or contrition: to repent one's injustice to another.
4. to feel sorry for; regret: to repent an imprudent act.
(Thank you Dictionary.com)
I have decided from this moment on to change. I will let go of the control panel and let God direct my life. I'm ashamed of what I let myself think and feel and now I'm asking for God's forgiveness.
What does it mean to forgive?
for·give [fer-giv] for·gave, for·giv·en, for·giv·ing.
verb (used with object)
1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.
5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9 )
“Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord.” (Acts 3:19 )
“Come now and let us reason together,” says the Lord, “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow.” (Isaiah 1:18 )
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, behold, all things have become new.” (2 Corinthians 5:17 )
These verses show how when we repent (we are truly sorry, ask forgiveness and turn away from the sin), He forgives us and gives us a clean slate. A fresh start. A new beginning.
"He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west." (Psalm 103:12)
It's taking me a couple days to actually finish this blog post, but I feel good about it all. Here I am two days later and the Holy Spirit is constantly reminding me that I am beautiful. That God made me different than anyone else on the planet. That if there was no negatives than there would be no positives. That He has a plan for my life and He knows what my future holds and I do not. Therefore, I will be obedient and follow what He commands me to do. I will continually lift my eyes to heaven and ask for His guidance. I will pray before moving. I will inquire of the Lord before I do anything.
This is my goal each and every day:
To live the life God calls me to live.
I exist to glorify God and to serve.
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